Guru G... What 's secret to double our money in shortest time??
Bachcha Fold it in half and put it back in your pocket....
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Teaching Criminals
A Police Officer said to his friend "Im teaching criminals not to do crimes again"
Friend "How do u teach them"
"I draw TWO circles," he explained, "and say, "
"This little circle is your asshole before prison........"
Friend "How do u teach them"
"I draw TWO circles," he explained, "and say, "
"This little circle is your asshole before prison........"
Fight with the little woman!
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charlie, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you chicken.
"Oh yeah?" said Charlie "And how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.
"Really," said Charlie, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"
She said, "Come out from under the bed, you chicken.
Smoking !!
Juan sees a man leaning against the wall of a large building. The man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.
Juan says, "Sir, I couldn't help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?"
"Four."
"How long have you been smoking?"
"Thirty years."
"That's over six thousand packs. If you didn't smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building."
The smoker takes a deep puff and says, "Do you smoke?"
"Never."
"Do you own this building?"
"No."
"Well, I do."
Juan says, "Sir, I couldn't help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?"
"Four."
"How long have you been smoking?"
"Thirty years."
"That's over six thousand packs. If you didn't smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building."
The smoker takes a deep puff and says, "Do you smoke?"
"Never."
"Do you own this building?"
"No."
"Well, I do."
Let me try
A couple placed an ad: "Have 4 sons, need advice on how to get a daughter."
Responded:
Yank: Keep trying!
Briton: Change doctor!
Aussie: Follow a special diet.
Indian: Practice Yoga!
Afghani: LET ME TRY!
Responded:
Yank: Keep trying!
Briton: Change doctor!
Aussie: Follow a special diet.
Indian: Practice Yoga!
Afghani: LET ME TRY!
Dark in here!!
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unknown to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't.
I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy Sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh!t again"
Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't.
I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy Sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh!t again"
Erection?
Old man: Can you give me an erection?
Faith Healer: I can make the blind see, make the
lame walk and I can even cure cancer. But, I'm sorry I cannot raise the "dead"
Faith Healer: I can make the blind see, make the
lame walk and I can even cure cancer. But, I'm sorry I cannot raise the "dead"
What else... i can say
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
I see your face when I am dreaming,
That's why I always wake up screaming.
I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
Of loving beauty you float with grace,
If only you could hide your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
This describes everything you are not.
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go To Hell."
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
I see your face when I am dreaming,
That's why I always wake up screaming.
I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
Of loving beauty you float with grace,
If only you could hide your face.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
This describes everything you are not.
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go To Hell."
Better than Men!!
What is the similarity between a shrimp and a man?
You can enjoy all but the head.
What is the similarity between a microwave oven and a man?
They both get hot in 15 seconds.
Why can't a man be both handsome and intelligent?
Because that would make him a woman.
Why is a man's brain the size of a peanut?
Because it is swollen.
Why are batteries better than men?
Batteries have at least one positive end.
Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because sperm are male and they refuse to ask for directions.
Why are men like the letter Q?
Because it is a big fat zero with a small protrusion.
Why do women not get married as often these days?
Because they would rather have bacon in the fridge than a pig in the living room.
What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man?
They go forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards, stop and eject.
Why is the male intelligence worth more than the female?
It is rarer.
Why do men exist?
Who else is going to mow the lawn.
What do you call an attractive intelligent and sensitive man?
A rumor.
What do you never want to hear while having good sex?
Honey, I am home!
Why don't men go through menopause?
They never left puberty.
How do you know that a man is lying?
His lips are moving.
You can enjoy all but the head.
What is the similarity between a microwave oven and a man?
They both get hot in 15 seconds.
Why can't a man be both handsome and intelligent?
Because that would make him a woman.
Why is a man's brain the size of a peanut?
Because it is swollen.
Why are batteries better than men?
Batteries have at least one positive end.
Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because sperm are male and they refuse to ask for directions.
Why are men like the letter Q?
Because it is a big fat zero with a small protrusion.
Why do women not get married as often these days?
Because they would rather have bacon in the fridge than a pig in the living room.
What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man?
They go forwards, backwards, forwards, backwards, stop and eject.
Why is the male intelligence worth more than the female?
It is rarer.
Why do men exist?
Who else is going to mow the lawn.
What do you call an attractive intelligent and sensitive man?
A rumor.
What do you never want to hear while having good sex?
Honey, I am home!
Why don't men go through menopause?
They never left puberty.
How do you know that a man is lying?
His lips are moving.
Corruption
Q: What's the difference between corruption in the USA and corruption in the Pakistan?
A: In US, they go to jail. In Pakistan, they go to US!
A: In US, they go to jail. In Pakistan, they go to US!
White Hair stands for...
Girl asks her mother : "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
REPLY TO : Never Upgrade without Tech support
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User,
This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system o nce installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support).
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software Dresses 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0.
WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system and to your computer as well
Dear Troubled User,
This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system o nce installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support).
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software Dresses 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0.
WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system and to your computer as well
Never Upgrade without Tech support
Dear Tech Support Team,
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities. Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3 , PlayBall 5.0 , BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0 .
Please help!
Thanks,
"A Troubled User"
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities. Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3 , PlayBall 5.0 , BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0 .
Please help!
Thanks,
"A Troubled User"
Fly in the soup
Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.
Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.
It doesn't Matter
Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then, does it really matter?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?
Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then, does it really matter?
Waiter
Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea cup?
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
Childish Anger
Dad to son: when I beat you how do you control your anger?
Son: I start cleaning toilet
Dad: Okey... Good boy... Now tell me how does that satisfy you?
Son: I clean it with your toothbrush
Son: I start cleaning toilet
Dad: Okey... Good boy... Now tell me how does that satisfy you?
Son: I clean it with your toothbrush
Order, Order
A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have a scotch and soda."
Sex with Ghost
SPEAKER: Who among you had experienced having sex with a ghost? (A farmer raised his hand).
SPEAKER: Really? How does it feel to have sex with a ghost?
FARMER: Ghost??? Ooops, I thought goats!!!
SPEAKER: Really? How does it feel to have sex with a ghost?
FARMER: Ghost??? Ooops, I thought goats!!!
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